I figured I'd give a little update, because I haven't for some time, and much has happened...
Well, I got a job...and it's a job I've "wanted" for the last five years! I'm now working at Save on, in the bakery; it's not the one nearest my house, but I can take the bus, and I'm fine with that. It's a good place, good people, and I work mostly alone for my shift, left to fail or not on my own. I like it that way, and I'm told I'm doing alright! So, this is good, and I have hope I'll be keeping the job through school, and use it to make some savings! In fact, lots of savings. I have a lot of hope for this one!
Let's see...other news, as of today, the doctor has informed me that my four-year long cartilage piercing fight will end in failure, and so I gave up, and they are now out. They did a little bleeding right when the rings came out, but everything seems fine otherwise. I actually had to bend the rings out so I could get them off. The problem was that the skin had basically gown out and around the piercing, preventing the wound to heal, and making it very unhappy overall. It's not keloids, because it's just skin, but the whole thing is generally unhappy, so they're out. I'm gonna try take care of them and see if I can get the enflamed skin to die down a bit.
Next up, I've been drawing quite a bit. I've decided that I'd like to get back to the basics and see if I can improve my technique and my understanding of perspective and proportion. I seem to have done just that, and I'm quite happy with it! I've done a bunch of studies with various artworks to see if I could figure out their proportions, I've found people around Starbucks to draw, I've started trying to portray things like movement and force, and it all seems to be working out well! Mind you, this is all in stick figures. I know they aren't especially nice-looking, but if you can get them anatomically correct, and all that, you've got the basics, upon which you can build up into a real picture! My next step is going from sticks to muscles, and from there, I know what I'm doing. 
Lastly, school is coming, and I apparently have a good chance to get into Arts 101, or Drawing class. Hopefully I will learn even more there! There will be much life-drawing in that class, as well, and since I suck pretty bad at that, I'll at least have a teacher there to help me out, right? My other classes are looking promising, as well, though I'm not sure which ones to keep, which ones I'll get for the second semester, that kind of thing. Hopefully it all works out. I also hope I don't have such a hardcore workload that I have to bail out of work! Christmas time will be lucrative if I don't, and that'll be good for the savings.

Anyways, I'd better go!

So, once again I've reached the point where, after arguing for a couple of hours with my husband, I don't know what to do about work. I mean, I still have a prospective job, and I will still probably end up going out and look for conventional work...but you know what? I don't really have any faith right now that I'll succeed. I don't have any faith that I can learn to do this, any more than I have learnt to do it for the last five years. I've had fourteen jobs in five years, and the trend simply doesn't seem to end. I don't seem to be getting any closer to that secret formula that allows people to be sought-after, long-term employees of any place they work. I know lots of people like that...but for all that I try to emulate them, there is something I'm missing, and I can't seem to figure out what it is.
I can't give up and say "fuck it, I'll be a housewife," for the rest of my life, or at least until school ends. We simply do not have that kind of income with Drew's work. However, I don't feel that I can just keep going with this trend; it's tearing my self-esteem to bits every time, and it's hurting my marriage. I don't think I can just keep trying to get through life by working menial jobs, losing them within an average of 3 months, and then moving on to the next menial job. I require an income, and society tells me that I should be able to work these jobs and make that income. However, I am constantly proving that these jobs aren't working!
I don't really know what to do. I'm at my wits end, and as I've said, I have tried a lot. I've tried to do things differently, to grovel at the feet of my employers, to suggest things when they ask, to be "perfect" and to worry about my job at all hours. I've tried to "live my job," as it were, but not even that works. 
Get this: The only job I've ever had where I didn't have to worry about getting fired was Tim Hortons. You know what? I don't think they'll take me back. I've worked there twice, I wouldn't mind going back and working there again, but I don't think they want me back, and I don't know if they have the room, either. 
Drew suggested that i have to figure out what the job needs, and fill that need; to be irreplaceable. Well, that's all fine and dandy, I must say. Tim Hortons was simple: you learn the job, you learn how to make it efficient, and there you go. I was good at that, at least, but it seems to me that this isn't what's wanted in other jobs. Perhaps I would make a great cashier? I wouldn't know, as no one has given me a chance to do so. I don't make a good salesperson, because I don't know all the answers to all the merchandise, or the company, and I don't know how to get that kind of information, either! How am I supposed to know, for example, whether my coffee is organically grown and roasted, when even the store owner doesn't know? I mean, I suppose I could look it up, but that's only AFTER the question has been posed!
Yes, I'm very frustrated. No one seems to have a niche for me, or a niche that I can fill without training. Why don't people need simple, everyday secretaries anymore? Where have all the academic jobs gone? I can answer the phone, make appointments, I can choreograph an entire day for myself and someone else, even a whole party of someones! But, no, we don't need someone like that anymore...apparently. I can also write with a university level vocabulary, using clear sentences and proper grammar...but do they need someone like that? Well, yes, but only if I have six years of previous experience!
Okay, so I'm bitching. I'm frustrated, and I don't know what to do. I really don't. I suck at kissing ass, I suck at selling, and I suck at retaining information that I don't frigging have an interest in. Why should it matter to me whether that leather couch is made from the cows of...er, I dunno, Alberta, rather than some other couch being made from the leather of some cows in the UK? Who cares?
So, there we are. I don't have much else to say. This is where I'm at, and where I've continued to be for so, so long. 

Just gonna note here: I don't complain about the weather unless it's sunny. I don't like the sun, and it doesn't like me, so lets see some rain!

Moving on.

I lost my job. Yeah, kinda sucks, but at this point I'm not quite so upset about it. I have time to do the things I want to, at least, and I've got a possibility of getting a different job that pays better. So, you know what? I think it worked out alright, and/or will workout alright. 
So, this time off and the things going on these days has gotten me thinking...I spend a LOT of time on the internets! Facebook, at this point, makes me kinda mad. Everyone's all like "I had such an awesome time doing ___!" and here's me sitting on my ass at home. You know what? I don't want to hear about it. I don't want to hear about how wonderful your children are, or what a huge dick your boyfriend has. I want to have a conversation! I want to actually SEE my friends and hear their voices! I want to have real relationships, rather than just playing around on the internet!
So, you know what? I'm not going to check it nearly as much. I'm not even going to go online as much. I might come on here, write a bit, and then go do something I actually want to do! I've come to the decision that, really, the internet is a tool: I can get a lot of information on it, and I can contact a lot of people with it, but otherwise, it's being used as a huge timesink, and I don't care to put so much energy and time into it anymore.
So, I invite anyone to call me, or even e-mail me, and come and hang out. I invite people to make time to do fulfilling things, rather than waste their time.
The internet, as a tool, is excellent at certain things, but I don't think I'll be using it for anything other than that.

I've been drawing a lot more, I've been spinning poi lots (and having lots of fun with it!), and my writing is getting worked on as well! I'm feeling better about life, and feeling calmer, too.

So, er, that's about it...just wanted to get that out there, I guess! I had sat down intending to really discuss it, but I found there wasn't much to discuss! Interesting, eh? 

 Well, here's a great measure of how much I've changed. After a certain misguided and misplaced comment from my boss, I reacted rather differently than what I've done in the past. His comment? "Well, that teacup was worth more than you being here." I had just accidentally broken said teacup, I felt really bad about it...but worth more than me? 
Now, previously I would have just curled up inside myself and taken it, stuffed the emotions it brought me and went along with what he said. I would have stuck with things and tried not to bring attention to myself. However, this is not then; I am a different person, especially when it comes to my own self-worth. I was pissed off. I was so angry I didn't speak to him for a good hour, and the only reason I stopped not-talking to him was because I had to ask a question for a customer. I was so mad, and so upset by that comment, and I'm not looking at it like "It's my fault;" no, he shouldn't have said it. He should have kept his damn mouth shut, and he should know that by now.
The consequences of his words may come back to bite him, and it might not. There may be change, and there may not. When one handles dishes all day long, I imagine most people would accept a little breakage now and then. "It's just common sense," as he would say...and with that, I agree...though I doubt he would agree with the common sense I'm pointing to currently.

I've been talking about it all day, but with it written down and my plans firmly in motion, I now have but to wait and act accordingly. However, tonight will be long and trying. My husband is working the graveyard shift today, and so I am home with the cat. It's rather strange. I'm keeping myself occupied with my book, some Fudgee-O cookies and tea, and some soft electronic music. I may attempt some writing late on. I suspect sleep will not be easy for me tonight, but when it comes, I have hope not to dream about the days events. Now that they're written down, I feel I can let go of them.

So, lets go with other news: I'm going to be trying to write the really real first draft of my first book soon. As soon, of course, as I get everything planned out! I'm excited, scared, and a whole mix of other feelings. But I think it will be an incredible learning experience for me, and I think I'll enjoy it very much.
Pole dancing has been put back a bit, and I haven't done much for the last couple of days. It's hard to find time when all you want is time to just sit and relax, and time with the husband. However, I'm looking forward to my Pole Jam on Saturday, which is actually happening in town here, so I don't really have to go far for it. I'll be meeting new people and getting back on the pole for a couple of hours. 
Drawing has led to a kind of rethinking of my internet avatar. While I enjoy the animal aspect of things, I feel that a complex personality is difficult to personify in one animal...so I'm considering some kind of crazy hybrid. However, I'm considering it in two different ways: As something to aspire to, as the traits I am choosing are ones that I admire, instead of only ones I have, and second, as a representation of who I was while I was in school. During last years classes, I was happy, aligned, and I had reached a state of so much energy it simply overflowed from me, and I couldn't help but feel compassion, even when people dumped their shit on me. So, I feel that this self was much more authentic, and this is my goal from now on, when it comes to self-enhancement. I'd like the representation of me to reflect that.

Well, off I go for tea and cookies, some book and some other things. Wish me luck, and I'll keep everyone posted on what's going on.

 You know, this is just "one of those things," or so people say, but I don't buy it. There should be proper, normal bras for every woman out there, considering they're pretty much mandatory for any woman of greater boob size than an A cup! Shouldn't we, like, get shipped some plain bras from the government or something, so we can actually have something to wear? Or maybe there should be shops in every town that carry at least up to an H cup, just in case!
Yes, I'm a little bitter. I just spent way too much money on a bra that I'm not even THAT fond of, because I want my poor back to stop hurting so much! The girls have crossed the border from "I can mostly find a bra in a normal shop" to "I have to travel overseas to find anything that functions." And you know what? Those damn bras are friggin expensive! I don't WANT any designer shit, I don't want embroidery, I don't want anything fancy. A plain bra, in either skin-colour or black, would do just fine. But can I find such a thing? Nope. Nothing that fits me the way I want. Nothing that fits the colour or style, or just plain old nothing that fits. There isn't even much in Victoria, where I'm gonna be going to school soon! See, I don't like having the girls look like torpedoes, or have randomly funny parts to the bra where the material sags or ripples or whatever else. Is it really so much to ask for a normal, well-fitting bra?
My reason for bitching is that it's really starting to get expensive, and quite painful. All of the bras I have now are not my size, and thus the underwire and such is getting painful. They all need to go...but what do I replace them with? I purchased one bra, which does fit, but the sheer amount of embroidery on it means that I don't get to wear any thin shirts...ever! No tank tops, no t-shirts. A knitted sweater would be fine...but it's frigging summer! What do they want, for me to sweat to death? I don't make enough money to spend on this, and in fact, I barely make enough money for rent. This last purchase was supposed to BE my rent! I'm just lucky that the husband understands and could pitch some in. 
So...I'm at a loss. I suppose all I can really do is spend the money and hope for the best, but really...that's not much of an option. Maybe I should bite the bullet and buy them online? Still expensive, but at least the damn things will fit.

 Holy crap! This is so cool! I just had to post, so everyone knows how cool this is! So, I do pole dancing...but unfortunately, it's an on-off relationship...for now. See, I got into it because "I thought I should" or something, and ever since, I've never really looked into the reason why.
But...now I really DO want to look into my reasons why, and I really want to figure it out...and I have an "event" coming up to help me!
This lady from my old pole dancing forums...which I haven't gone to for like, three months, contacted me the other day. She's coming to the island, and wants to dance with me! Now, pole dancing isn't quite like the Tango, where you can to a partners thing, but it's still nice to be able to hang out with someone and share your mutual enjoyment of something! I've been bitching about it for a LONG time, because I have no one! This, too, will change as I re-evaluate my reasons for wanting to pole...because I do WANT to, it's just that I need to figure out a good reason why, and a good goal for myself. Instead of "Be like Felix" it should be a little closer to what I can achieve.
Anyways, that said, I'm totally stoked for the pole session I get to have!

I keep trying to post more often, but it seems the only time I actually do post is when there's a problem or something, and I need to vent it out on the unsuspecting internets. So, here you go: I've decided that instead of posting because I'm unhappy, I'll post because I've made the decision to be happy today. 
I suppose my dreams last night made me rather displeased with how life is going (they were rather hard to take when I was dreaming them), and life in general isn't being as awesome as I'd like...but you know what? Both of those things can be changed by the way I think and feel, so here you go.
Work is going really well. Next couple of weeks I'll probably be getting more hours, though tomorrow I have to be there for 9am which is rather early for me. More hours means more money, and hopefully more money means I can buy things I need. Good times at work means I'm not gonna get fired, too, because that was a looming threat for a little while, and since my boss had no idea what he was looking at when I was falling apart (here's a hint: It was anxiety) he just said "Fix problems or get fired" without really telling me what the problems were. He still hasn't told me, but he did say that I'm doing a lot better, so...whatever. Better me, better work, happier times all around.
As for things that need buying, one of them is bras. Holy god damn, who would have thought I'd come out on top in the breast growing competition of highschool, well after the competition had probably ended? Certainly not me! Hah, I started my boobs well after most people, and I've ended up with possibly the biggest ones I know. It's kinda sad, because I was quite happy having normal-sized, C to D boobs, but nope! I've moved up in the world to an E, and those are hard to find. Also, since I'm a 33 around and thus between a 32 and a 34, this is going with the 34 option. If, say, I was wearing a 32 around sized bra, I'd be looking for an F cup. Holy shit, I can't believe that. E's bad enough!
So, anyways, yes, I need bras. I also would like to get a bike, but lord knows I can't afford it right now. I'll probably not even be able to afford it when my student loan happens! I'm hoping I'll have enough from my student loan in order to pay off my Visa, and live on it for the next 10 months (starting September, of course) so that life will go smoothly. Yes, that's the hope!
Anyways, what else? I've discovered a new author (well, new to me!) that is quite amazing, and begun reading one of her books...though "begun" is kind of a relative word. I'm already well past halfway through the book, and considering it's only been a couple of days...yeah, I'd say the book's a winner! Also on the topic of books, I've got one on meditation. I hope to begin a daily practice of meditation in all it's forms and reasons, in order to achieve something closer to true happiness than I've experienced in...well, probably years.
So I'd say that's about it for now, really. 

Oh, I forgot...I started a new blog. I may be moving everything over to it and abandoning this one eventually, we'll have to see. Of course I'll still lurk around and see how everyone is doing, but for right now...I'm giving the new one a try. Right now it's just a writing blog, for me to write about my writing ideas and try to get a more creative flow going. I'll post a link once I feel comfortable enough with it.

 So, I realize the last post wasn't exactly what I wanted it to be...and this one isn't, either! Though at this point perhaps some meditation would be useful!
I never knew that university would be so difficult. I mean, yeah, I knew the COURSES would be difficult and the having of a student loan would be tight and all that. But seriously, I feel like it's the SCHOOL itself that's a huge part of the problem! I realize this is like, prime time for picking classes and all, but I've been trying to get a hold of an advisor for HOURS and nothing is working! I was told that this lady (one of their secretaries) would totally get me in to talk to an advisor if I called like, right at 1:30 when she came back from lunch. I did so. You know what? I didn't talk to anyone! This person was not the one who answered the phone, nor was it anyone who knew anything about my previous conversation. So, I was told to leave a message, and they probably won't get back to me. Bullshit!
And you know what the problem is? Well, you know how when you go for a degree, you have certain "requirements" where you take certain classes in order to fulfill them? Well, mine are all fucking wait listed! I picked them as soon as I could manage, given the time I was "allowed" to choose my classes! All I really had to do was press ONE button! I had everything picked out, there were so few people in them but days ago...and then all of a sudden I'm thrown to the back of the line! I mean, christ, what am I supposed to do with that?
Yes, I suppose I could just forget school for this semester...and basically every semester after that, too! Because I'll be moving away from this school next year, and I don't think I have the requirements to go to the school I actually want to be in. Also, my work is planning on having me leave, or cut my hours a lot, by September...and I don't think I can afford to continue without the student loan, anyways. My work doesn't really pay me enough money. I mean, I like my job, but I've gotta face facts here. 
Even beyond that, if I don't go to school this semester, my student loan from last year becomes due, and I cannot pay it. I just can't, in any way. I would basically be on the street. There is NO WAY for me to not go to school and make it out fine! 
So, what do I do? Wait until the wait list loses 10-20 people? Like hell that's going to happen. Class sizes get smaller every year, or so I'm told, so doesn't it make sense that each year, more and more people will be getting concentrated in what they want? If that is the case, then it's very unlikely that I'll be getting in. It's also very unlikely that I'll be doing anything even remotely around my degree at all. I mean, seriously, what kind of school says "this is your degree requirements" and then doesn't have enough space in their classes for the people that want them to actually meet those requirements?
Yes, I know, I'm ranting and I'm quite upset. There isn't much else for me to do! I can't concentrate, I can't figure anything else out, I can't even think straight. I'm so upset and scared and I feel like there's nothing I can do! 
And you know what else? I feel like there's no one I can talk to about it. My friends are disappearing, and they won't answer my calls or messages or whatever way I try to contact them. So, I'm alone, in a big scary world. And that sucks.

 So, I've been working with my courses for a few weeks, since they put them up on the website...but it's been very frustrating. The courses I'd really like to take are either in other campuses, or they're in the first semester, where I'm taking the prerequisite in the first semester. It boggles my mind that choosing the courses one wants to take in school would be so utterly complicated and frustrating that I would want to pull my hair out! Seriously.
Anyways, after dealing with the incredible unintuitiveness of the course selection process with my current school, and I decided to attempt making myself better. Thus, instead of going with my usual ideas of looking either to the past or distracting myself altogether, I chose to look to the future, to my next university. My husband and I will be transferring, hopefully at the end of this school year of 2010/2011, and attending a somewhat larger, more acclaimed school, with possibly better courses for both of us. 
I looked into the requirements of the program I'll be taking, as well as the classes that will be available to me. I must say, I'm excited! The classes are pretty in-depth, and their very nicely focused on whatever kinds of writing one might want. Some other interesting classes I didn't think would actually BE classes. I'm quite excited, and much less annoyed by the idea of transferring and returning to the "first year" again. However, now I look at it a little more like...getting some preliminary experience before going for the "real" university. Sort of.
Anyways, I just wanted to express how happy I was to look forward and see good things...it'll be hard, but when is life not hard? I mean, honestly! I'm looking forward to the challenge, and the learning.

 SO! I've come home and done a little research, and I must say...there are a lot of tips out there, and most of them are the same! List after list, I get the same advise. 
There are always techniques that differ. Put your alarm clock across the room, drink water, forgo the morning coffee, take a jog, play video games, make breakfast first, don't go to bed before you're tired, early to bed - early to rise...it just goes on!
However, I've found a couple of them that are a little easier to deal with, and likely work very well...and won't waste your time, money, or anything else!
One for Geeks... and another that has everything you could want.
So, give those a browse if you like.
Next blog, hopefully, will be a discussion on meditation.

In the meantime, I'll be trying to get up earlier!